LOVERS QUARREL, FRIENDS UNITE

Spoiler alert. We’ll do the ending first.

Not a real helicopter

Season 20, Episode Four, Turin, Italy: Art and J.J. have finished first, thanks to a goofy Fast Forward in which Art, after several tries, landed a radio-powered midget helicopter on J.J.’s head. Thus they skip to the end and are awarded five grand apiece. They are pleased with the result – their second first in a row – and pleased with themselves, though J.J. knows that luck can turn.

“Trust me,” he says, “the Race is gnarly, and it takes you from the highs to the lows, and it is rapid."

Speaking of lows: Bopper and Mark, the Kentucky boys, miss the first flight out of Paraguay and struggle through the challenges in Italy, all the while keeping their amazing good cheer.

They finish, in the dark. Phil tells them they’re last. Bopper breaks down, cries, says he had wanted to do the race for his daughter. (According to a Yahoo.TV interview, Bopper’s 8-year-old daughter has severe respiratory problems caused by coal dust near their home.)

Bopper and Mark

Before Phil says anything else, Art and J.J. appear and give the Kentucky boys half of their winnings. Everyone hugs. Tears flow, and then Phil clears his throat and lets the winners and the losers know it’s a NON-ELIMINATION round. Mark and Bopper are still in the race.

In Brooklyn and Geneseo, in Virginia, in Boston (its suburbs) and Bonita Springs, Fla., (where yours truly was watching) tears are flowing, corks are popping, March madness lives, Kentucky stays in the pool.

So that’s the good news. The bad news is that it’s not that happy in couples land if one of the couples is named Rachel.

Brendon Villegas and Rachel Reilly, she once of Big Brother, had persistent issues to the point that she threatened suicide – “I might purposely jump in front of a car.”

Ford Focus

Trust me, if she had, the car would have been a Ford Focus. 

The Race has always been shameless in its product placements, but it outdid itself on this leg, showing the Focus parallel park itself again, and again and again. (Though even that feature made Rachel mad at Brendon. Go figure.)

The other Rachel, the one married to Dave Brown, he of the mood swings, was on the delivery end of most of the spousal zingers, as he continually turned on his wife. His most lawyerly line: “You want to be supportive, or do you want to continue the way you’ve been this whole race.” At the end, he allowed, “Our communication was lacking.” Not so, Davey boy. Too much communication. Way too much.

The challenges were OK, not too scary, not that disgusting. There was rappelling, the Race’s default setting. The teams had to find a 1916 Ford (go figure) Tin Lizzie in a museum.

Gina Lollobrigida: Italian woman

There was also some statue cleaning and some salami tasting, as they’re in Italy, don’t you know. And Joey Fitness and Danny may have had the most fun, hitting on Italian women and even the statutes of Italian women. One of those women, an elevator operator, did not seem all that charmed, but they didn’t seem to notice.

Overheard

J.J. There’s nobody who has the strength and intellect that we do.

Bopper: We got to run her hard and think deeply.

Dave Brown (to Rachel B): Don’t be a wise ass.

Rachel Brown (to Dave): Wow, you are testy today.

Bopper:  Just pronouncing a word the way they do is difficult.

Mark: They don’t speak no English either, brother.

Brendon We’ve hit a brick wall here on our whole entire experience.

Rachel R.: Amazing Race is supposed to be fun. I want to be on Big Brother again.

Order of finish:

1) Art and J.J.

2) Rachel and Dave

3) Joey Fitness and Danny

4) Vanessa and Ralph

5) Nary and Jamie

6) Brendon and Rachel

7) Kerri and Stacy

8) Bopper and Mark

Next Week:  Kentucky boys yodel.