Speed dating, speed racing in Abu Dhabi

By Jim Memmott

Amazing Race, Season 23, Episode 7

Vienna, Austria/Abu Dhabi – You’re sitting in your den, all alone, the television destroyed by that Labatt bottle you heaved at the end of a Bills game

Ryan Fitzpatrick

that made you yearn for the Ryan Fitzpatrick era.

“Oh dear,” you say, “I wonder what happened on The Amazing Race?”

“Nothing, nada, zilch,” answers a voice from above that sounds oddly like that of Ryan Fitzpatrick. “But thanks for thinking of me.”

The former Bills benchwarmer/starter is right.

It was one of those yawner non-elimination episodes, the trickiest challenge involving the precise preparation of a party platter of dates. ("Speed dating is the worst," concluded one of the LA Ice crew duo.)

 Six teams started in Austria and flew to Abu Dhabi.

There was sound – the screams of rappelling contestants, the zooms of Formula One race cars.

There was fury – the sniping of Tim with Marie, Marie with Tim.

And it all signified nothing, as six teams remain, host Phil Keoghan giving Nicky and Kim, the

Nicky and Kim

baseball wives, a reprieve as they finished last, Kim in tears.

“I’m a mom. I don’t get to do these things with my friends,” Kim had blubbered, thinking of all the cool stuff she had been through on the race, all the cool stuff left to do.

Even Phil, unflappable but sometimes dismissive Phil, couldn’t resist those tears.

“How would you like the opportunity to create more memories?” he asked the wives.

Gasp, hug, vow to do better. Get you act together wives; you’re still in the game.

The Afghanimals, Leo and Jamal, finished first, perhaps because Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates is not that far from Afghanistan where their parents were born. (Despite their nickname, the Afghanimals are natives of the U.S.)

Leo and Jamal

The cousins’ connection to the culture may have given the Afghanimals an advantage, but no more so than getting an earlier flight out of Austria.

Whatever, they won and seemed pretty happy for themselves.

Actually, just about all of the teams seemed happy enough.

Amy and Jason finished second (for the fouth time), getting along despite the heat, despite the stress.

Nicole of the ER doctors, kind of messed up on the fish-trap building Detour, but she and Travis finished third. They’ll be fine.

Marie and Tim did fight a lot and sweat a lot, but they took an easy fourth.

Sebastian Vettel

Ally and Ashley, the LA Ice Crew members, stumbled to fifth place, Ally having a hell of a time in the Formula One challenge as she couldn’t spot the name of Formula One driver Sebastian Vettel (yes, that Sebastian Vettel) while traveling 1,000 mph.

So even though you didn’t miss much this week, get a new TV by next Sunday. There’s going to be double U-Turn. Could you ask for anything more?

And for all you stats freaks out there, if the season's winner were determined by finishes in each episode, this would be the order of the teams right now. (The lower the number of points, the better. First place earns one point, seventh gets seven, etc.)

1) Nicole and Travis (16 points)
2) Amy and Jason (26 points)
3) Jamal and Leo (29 points)
4) Marie and Tim (31 points)
5) Kim and Nicky (36 points)
6) Ally and Ashley (45 points)

Overheard

Travis: Nicole and I, we want to stay unflustered.

Amy: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Marie (to the Baseball Wives): You guys are so annoying; get away from the ticket counter.

Nicky (On Marie and Tim): It’s really hard to focus when other people are yelling ... But I guess that’s their mojo.

Jason: We’re the biggest losers on the show.

Nicole: We’re not perfect; we’re human, and we still have our express pass.

Order of Finish:

1) Leo and Jamal

2) Jason and Amy

3) Nicole and Travis

4) Tim and Marie

5) Ally and Ashley

6) Nicky and Kim