ALL STRUNG OUT

Art and J.J.

Love them or hate them, you’ve got to hand it to Art and J.J., the trash-talking, self-promoting and egomaniacal border patrol agents who came on like gang busters as Episode Three of Amazing Race’s 20^th season played out in Asuncion, Paraguay.

“We’ll both just dominate,” J.J. announced to the camera at the start of the race, and so they did. Together they stacked watermelons in the heat, forming a pyramid with the steady hands of jewelers. Then, Art danced with a bottle on his head, thanks, I guess, to his DNA.

“Art’s got a big flat head,” J.J. explained before the dancing began. “This will be good for him.”

And so it was that the agents (Drew and Emily’s team) hopped on the mat and took first place long before the other competitors. Whereupon, they realized that all the other teams would be out to get them.

“Michael Jordan wasn’t afraid to put a target on his back,” Art declared with a fist pump, thus comparing himself to the best basketball player who ever lived. Stay tuned. One suspects that their pride may precede a fall.

And speaking of flops: Dave and Rachel, the winners of the two previous episodes had a day that made last week’s losers, those clowns, look actually competent.

First of all, some cracks in their relationship began to show, as Dave refused to take Rachel’s suggestion that he hydrate.

Then, they gave up on the watermelon stacking and used their express pass to fast-forward to the bottle dance. (I know, it’s a little confusing. Evidently, in Paraguay they are very fussy about how to stack watermelons, and they also dance a lot with bottles of water on their heads. Really.)

Dave bombed out on the dance, breaking about a trillion bottles and thus incurring a two-hour penalty at the end, his team falling from second to sixth place.

“Rachel and Dave,” Phil scolded. “This is the first time ever that a team has not completed a challenge and stayed in the race.” Who knew?

So, spoiler alert, who got tossed? Surprisingly, the brothers Eliot and Andrew (Allison’s team) were eliminated, finishing a few seconds (or a few minutes, it’s hard to tell) after Vanessa and Ralph.

Eliot and Andrew

This caught veteran Race watchers by surprise – well, at least this veteran Race-watcher – as it means three episodes have gone by without a non-elimination round. I mean, what’s the rush, Phil?

The twins lost way too much time on the hard harp-stringing challenge, and then Eliot proved to be a bad bottle dancer. The boys seemed to be athletic – Andrew is a professional soccer player and his brother looks fit – but they just weren’t race worthy.

So what about all the others?

Well, there was lots of challenge switching, as quite a few squads gave up on the watermelon stacking and went to the harp stringing.

There was a little gamesmanship, Bopper trying to trick Kerri and Stacy into believing that watermelon stacking was easy, when it wasn’t. (The Mississippi cousins didn’t fall for his bluster.)

Johnny Cash

Bopper, who got hit in the head by a watermelon at one point, did continue to dish out the country sweet one-liners and even broke into song at one point, offering up a little of the great Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues.”

Rachel Reilly, the Big Brother winner and emotional car wreck, revealed some odd cosmetics-based animosity toward Vanessa, Ralph’s partner: “Her disgusting smile is painted on just like her overdone makeup.”

To her credit, Rachel finished with Brendon despite what seemed to be an asthma attack, or maybe it was anxiety, or possibly vertigo.

Nary and Jamie

And federal agents Jamie and Nary continued to let people believe they are teachers, a tribute to all the educators in this pool. “People look on teachers as nice,” Nary explained. (Well, not everyone, J.J. did refer to the “freakin’ teachers” at one point.)

Overheard:

J.J.  We’re the first ones. We’re the team to beat.

Bopper: It’s hotter than new love, baby.

Kerri: It’s hot out here; it’s hot like Mississippi mud.

Art: Stacking watermelons in Paraguay was on my bucket list.

Order of finish:

1) Art and J.J.

2) Brendon and Rachel (because of the penalty)

3) Joey Fitness and Danny

4) Bopper and Mark

5) Nary and Jamie

6) Rachel and Dave

7) Kerri and Stacy

8) Vanessa and Ralph

9) Eliot and Andrew

Next Week:  We go to Rome and, between tears, Rachel Reilly says: "I wanted to go on a trip around the world with my best friend,"