NO KIDDING, SUBS SURVIVE

Bye by Shanghai, hello Surabya, Indonesia, a city of 2.5 million that would seem to have the cutest children on the planet.

The kids were featured in a middle segment of episode two of this season’s Amazing Race, a shakedown cruise that raised serious questions about the quality of substitute teacher education in America.

Yes, they may know their math facts, but do subs these days know the first thing about balloon animal making?

I’m getting ahead of myself. First the winners.

Natalie and Nadiya

The ever-enthusiastic Anderson twins, Natalie and Nadiya, hopped on the carpet ahead of the other nine teams, having gained an advantage by performing a detour all the other teams avoided, a test that involved sorting out about a 1,000 smelly fish.

“Oh my gosh, you guys stink,” said race director Phil Keoghan as he welcomed the sisters. “Thank you for sharing your smell with us.”

Smelly or not, the Jersey (and Sri Lankan) girls won an express pass that can be used in a later episode to leap ahead should they find themselves behind.

Amy and Daniel

And now, the bad news. To my surprise at least, the dating couple of Amy and Daniel, second last week, finished last this week and were eliminated. 

The result had nothing to do with the fact that Amy has prosthetic legs.

No, as has happened to others on the Race, they were done in by a clueless cab driver who got them to the ultimate challenge last.  Life, or at least the Amazing Race, would not seem to be fair.

If life were fair, the team of Gary and Will, the quite tall and quite short substitute teachers from Michigan, should have gotten the heave ho.

Indeed, they were convinced that they were goners even before the race ended and didn’t even run toward the finish. (This, to me, is an unpardonable sin. Even the Buffalo Bills keep trying right up to the end. On second thought…)

The subs – or at least Will – had hit the wall earlier in the episode when Will got all fumble fingers as he tried to make eight balloon animals for those cute Indonesian children.

Not Will's ballon animal

“I felt like the whole world was on my shoulders,” he explained. “I was just falling apart. I was actually having a meltdown.”

Finally, Gary put on his teacher voice – OK, his crazed teacher voice – and told Will to take deep breaths and enjoy himself and count to 10 and, well, Will fell for it and finished the challenge.

But did he turn the page? No way. From then on, Will kept beating up on himself, going full Woody Allen at his self-loathing best.

But, thanks to Amy and Daniel’s bad luck, Gary and Will lived to whine another day.

So where are we?

Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap

It’s early days, I guess, and right now I’m just trying to figure out who’s who in team Spinal Tap, rocker James and rock lawyer Abba. For sure, I don’t know one Chippendale from the other any more than I know who’s Caitlin and who’s Brittany.

But I do know I’ll miss Amy and Daniel (condolences to Allison, who picked them, as I would have, too, if I had a chance). And, cross your fingers, maybe Phil will have a change of heart and bring them back. You gotta believe.

Overheard:

Rob: There’s some physically fit young people in this race, but they will burn out and when they do, mom and pa will roll on by.

James: I assessed the situation immediately as only a rock star can do.

Lexi: I’ve always been a multi-tasker. I think being a woman is part of that.

Natalie: We’re not going to turn into divas. Diva is the opposite of what me and Nadiya are. We’re just badass.

Will: It freaks me out doing creative stuff; I can’t do it.

Daniel: We don’t have a clue; we don’t have a plan; we don’t have anything at all.

Order of finish:

Natalie and Nadiya

Trey and Lexi

Jaymes and James

Abbie and Ryan

Josh and Brent

James and Abba

Caitlin and Brittany

Rob and Kelley

Gary and Will

Amy and Daniel

That’s it,

Jim