EPISODE TWO: WHILE YOU WERE AWAY

The Amazing Race moved into the Witness Protection Program tonight, Episode Two of Season 20 going up against the Red Carpet, Billy Crystal and the Oscar for Best Costume Design.

So spoiler alert for all of you who were lost in La-La Land and still haven’t fired up the DVR to see whether it was a non-elimination race.

Here’s the news.

The race started in northwest Argentina with the couples either tapping into their inner Boy Scout and constructing a solar stove to boil water or loading up a donkey with firewood and dragging it across a lunar landscape.

Maradona

They then bussed for 18-hours to Buenos Aires. Having arrived, they endured the odor of manure to count some cattle. Then, hopping on the finish mat, they were greeted by Diego Maradona, the Argentine soccer legend. (Only one couple recognized him, but, hey, the racers were tired.)

Dave and Rachel Brown won their second leg in a row. Dave and Cherie Gregg, the “ambassadors of laughter from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey,” came in last and were eliminated from the race.

This put an end to clown clichés and clown puns, though it did prove the wisdom of our crowd, the clowns having been shunned by everyone in our pool until Dennis took them by default. Alas, still jet lagged from his trip across the pond, he's out of the pool. (But he will pick first next time.)

True to form, the Greggs departed with a smile, a cartwheel and a fast-tempo walk. And Cherie voiced no blame, though she could have, on Dave, who lost valuable time because he’s really bad at math.

Mark Memmott

Rotten luck also played a part as he was in the group that was on the unlucky bus No. 2, the one that lost two hours because something smashed some of its windows. Poolster Mark Memmott of NPR suggests that the breakage may have been intentional, the producers of the race taking hammers into their hands to ensure a clown departure.

It’s early, but some themes began to emerge on an episode that saw a few teams joining forces and others playing hard ball:

Comeback Country Kids: Mark and Bopper, the Kentucky boys, proved to be far closer to amazing than they were in the first episode. Bopper continues to blurt out whatever’s on his mind – “Your skills are surprising me, brother” – but both guys competed well.  And Mark may be the only Amazing Racer ever to bring along his reading glasses.

Borderline Personalities: Perhaps Art and J.J.  have been out there too long defending our nation’s boundaries on behalf of the federal government. They have bad senses of direction; they gloat, they pout if they don’t win, and they nag at each other.

The Teachers

Teachable moments: For some reason, the other federal agents, Nary and Jamie, have told everyone they’re kindergarten teachers.  Hence, the other teams are calling them “The Teachers.” Looks like there will be a dramatic reveal down the road.

Eva Peron

Don’t cry for me in Argentina: The clowns, of course, got teary at every turn. But what’s with Big Brother  winner Rachel Reilly? During and after the cattle count she turned weepy. “You known I’m not as smart as you,” she told her teammate and fiancé Dave. “I’m sorry, I can’t do things under pressure.” Hello. You’re on the Amazing Race. Pressure is the name of the game. And when your partner is trying to cheer you up don’t tell him he’s got a booger on his nose.

Overheard:

Dave: Being clowns, we use laughter as our approach to everything.

Rachel Brown to the other Dave: It isn’t worth being crabby pants about it.

Art:  I told you boiling water is a pain in the ass.

Stacy:  It’s only the second leg, and it’s dog eat dog.

J.J.: I’m not going to follow those two nimrods.

Vanessa: I’m used to tuning out men.

Oder of Finish:

Dave and Rachel

Art and J.J.

Bopper and Mark

Brendon and Rachel

Kerri and Stacy

Nary and Jamie

Vanessa and Ralph

Joey Fitness and Danny

Elliot and Andrew

Dave and Cherie